The "5 year old did it" comparison got me because I once spent like 45 minutes drawing a monthly calendar and my cat walked across the wet ink and honestly it looked better than before. The real kicker is I kept telling myself the mess was part of the charm, like some artsy rustic vibe, when really I just could not draw a straight line to save my life. I even bought one of those clear plastic stencils that warp and slide everywhere, so my boxes came out crooked anyway. My trick now is stealing the free calendar inserts from my bank, cutting them to fit, and taping them in. Zero shame over here.

What if you just flip the wet ones over and weigh them flat?

A chamber sealer and a handheld one are not the same thing, which is where your math kind of falls apart. The chamber pulls a real vacuum so fish and wet stuff actually keep, while the little handheld ones just suck air out of a bag and quit on anything with moisture. Sounds like you dropped the right machine for your bakery and kept the one that still does the job.